The Exclusive

King Duncan was found murdered in his bed at Macbeth's castle in Inverness in the early hours of this morning. The grisly discovery was made by Macduff, Thane of Fife, who had been told to wake the King early and instead found "sacrilegious murder" had "broke ope the Lord's anointed temple". The two royal chamberlains were found asleep, smeared in blood and holding daggers, which seems a convenient bit of evidence for anyone keen to close the case quickly.

In a fit of what he called "violent love", host Macbeth killed both guards before they could be questioned, a move experts describe as "tidy". Lady Macbeth, who claimed to know nothing of the attack, fainted dramatically at the moment the conversation became awkward. Duncan's sons Malcolm and Donalbain have since fled to England and Ireland, and Macbeth's camp was quick to name them as prime suspects.

Witnesses describe a night of chaos: chimneys blown down, horses eating each other, and a porter so slow to answer the door that the murderer could have left twice. Just weeks ago, Macbeth was hailed a hero for "unseaming" the rebel Macdonwald "from the nave to th' chops", and he now looks likely to be named King at Scone. Sources close to three bearded women on a heath said the news was "no surprise at all". The Daily Dagger asks the question on everyone's lips: when the host gains a crown, a castle and a clean conscience all in one night, is it really fair, or is it foul?